Oh gosh, I have terrible terrible terrible results.

I promise my marks can't get any lower. I feel super demoralized now. Because all my classmates are getting smarter and I'm the only one who's getting dumber. Its like they're all draining my brains D: And you know when I say this, they reply with complete silence. It just goes to show how true it is. Since they can't find one loop hole to make me feel better.

Seriously, I was more or less dead today. Well at least on the inside. I did try, to be hyper and everything. You know smile so I'll feel happier. That advice sucks because it doesn't work anymore. Its just procrastination. The feeling's going to come down on you harder if you try so hard to avoid it. It's as if it's this super impatient thing that will get pissed off if you avoid it.

Oh gosh, I really screwed my eoys. And I'm going to screw the rest tomorrow. I think I've given up hoping that I might actually do well. Well first of all, there's the feeling. And yeah that's all. I'm pretty accurate with it you know. I just spent hours in that same spot screaming inside "Gosh how could you screw this?! I can't believe you screwed it!" or simpler, just "Screw! Screw! Screw!"

Please don't say I'll do well. Don't say I won't fail. It makes me feel worse. I hate it when people have such expectations from me. Honestly I wouldn't say that I'm someone who often fulfills these 'expectations'. You might not mean it that way but its the same. And I hate the feeling of disappointing people. But I guess the person I let down and disappointed the most was myself. Why did I have to be so stupid? Stupid stupid stupid me.

Quiet, alone time with yourself can be calming, soothing. But sometimes it seriously sucks. There's so much free space to think. All your feelings come crashing down on you. And I hate it when I think too much. Its just that when I think more, I convince myself more, I seem to make more sense, and I realise that, gosh I really really suck. Dang it.